her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
