My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
