So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
