We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
