I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
