my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
