Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize