I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
