Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize