Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
