Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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