Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
