yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
