If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
