I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize