We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
