my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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