If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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