I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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