I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the condom got lost in my hair
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
