Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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