Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
my liver is dry heaving
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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