:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i love accidental penises.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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