Whod you bang
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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