Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
