News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
