The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
