a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
