My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize