just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
