I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
