All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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