look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
