No stitches, just platelets and will power
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
