Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
