I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
