the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
