I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
