If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
