I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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