my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
