Betty ford says i'm here all night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
