so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
