Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize