I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
