at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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