She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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