don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
