I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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