I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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