Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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