i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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