So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
