I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
