I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
