Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
