I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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