i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
